A coaching colleague pulled his car up to the practice field after a tough day of teaching. We share our field for after-school practices. My team is loosening up, and I watch as he walks across the field to where his girls are starting to prepare for the afternoon session. There is a scowl on his face, and I feel and I see no joy coming from him. I observed this same behavior three more days in a row. I am concerned. He is a 1st-year varsity coach, and I have been his mentor as he navigates his first season at the helm.
Finally, on the fifth day, I stopped and hugged him. I ask him what is causing this negative aura around him. He should be joyful and excited; he has a great group of young women to work with, and that alone should make him smile. He explains that the burdens of teaching, the overcrowded classes, and the behaviors that he deals with daily suck the life out of him.
I tell him to remember out here on the pitch, we love him. His girls love him, and he needs to mirror that love by bringing out his best. We hug again, and he heads to the team with a lighter gait.
We talked later that evening, and I empathized with his struggle. I taught for 24 years in a large high school with unreasonable expectations and often micromanaging supervisors. My current position is at a small public charter school, and it’s like teaching heaven. I know what his day is like. My advice to him was to treat the opportunity to coach and the ability to come to the field every day as his sanctuary.
It is OK to be grumpy as you leave the school and get in your vehicle to drive to the fields, but once you shut that car door and step on the field, leave the baggage at the gate. Leave all that negativity and anger at the gate or in your car. These players want to be here; they love you as their coach, and they deserve nothing but your best. He said he never thought about it like that and did some mid-season reflection.
In the following weeks, I saw a new coach coming on the field for practice. Most days, we shared a smile and a hug on his way to his session. A transformation had taken place.
He told me that my advice about the field being his sanctuary changed his perception and the way he coached. He called me his Yoda, and I was happy to see this young Jedi feel the force.
I have shared that advice with my high school players for three decades. When I coach the little kickers, those elementary-aged players are always excited and happy to get to the fields. The joy that comes from them makes everyone around them smile. As they hit middle and high school, some players bring an invisible backpack of worry as they practice. They are moody, play angry, or sulk through the entire practice.
Those players always get extra “coach” time at the end of practice. Sometimes, they share the issue causing the excess weight that day, and sometimes, they don’t. We discuss what they must do with that “backpack” of burden. We talk about the sanctuary of the pitch. Once they cross that white line of the field or walk into the park, they will leave that backpack there. Nothing that will negatively affect their play is allowed on the field.
They are young men and women; they are struggling with life. These moments will return, and reminders may be needed. If they play for me, they learn the lesson that we keep our troubles away from the team. There can be a time and place for those conversations; some are above my pay grade. We can provide help for those as well.
The soccer solution can become a life solution. When things go sideways in my personal life, even with as many trips around the sun as I have made, those issues do not affect my classroom or practice sessions. A coach I had as a youth provided me with that strategy, and hopefully, I can continue to pass that on.
The field is your sanctuary; nothing should take that JOY away from you or your team.
Keep on Kick’in
Greg has been coaching club and/or high school soccer since 1984. He has authored, “The Transformational Coach” and “Coaching a Season of Significance.”
“Uncoachable kids become unemployable adults. Let your kids get used to someone being tough on them. It’s life – get over it.”
Patrick Murphy – Alabama Women’s Softball Coach
As a youth coach, I hope this quote was from a collegiate perspective, not a youth perspective.
Why am I writing this article? A U13 youth coach posted this quote on a social media site. This coach used this reference to defend poor coaching behavior with a youth team of 11 and 12-year-old players.
I do not go around with my head in the sand; I know a segment of our population would agree with this mentality, but as a youth and high school coach for over 40+ years, I’m afraid I have to disagree.
As a parent, what do you want from your child’s youth athletic experience? Are you hoping the coach “toughens” your child up, or are you looking for a coach that teaches them to love the game you signed them up for? Are you hoping your child’s participation is memorable and teaches them teamwork? Do you want your child’s youth sport experience to create life-long friendships and memories? Or are you looking for trophies and college scholarships?
Do you want a coach who plays to win and sacrifices development for 12-year-old victories – or a coach who loves the game and is encouraging to all players? Do you have the attitude at the youth level that when negative things happen in life, your child (emphasis on the child) needs to “get over it”?
Youth coaches, regardless of the level at which their teams compete, should be focused on building relationships, always be enthusiastic and be positive, irrespective of the contest’s outcome. Players who are treated positively and encouraged will respect the coach, and because they respect their coach, they will listen, give their best, and enjoy the activity.
The best coaches, at the highest levels, have the respect of their players. The players respect them because of the relationships that have been formed. There is no respect when players believe they are just a tool for the coach’s ego. When players know their coaches care about them, they will run through walls for them. They will give their best – they will compete.
We are looking at this quote the wrong way. What makes a child “uncoachable?” Is it because the player is selfish? Does the young player not listen? Does the player do whatever they want? What behaviors are we allowing in practice or at home? What does “uncoachable” look like? This article could go in many directions, but I will focus on what we can do as coaches so we do not have “uncoachable” players.
Coaching should always be about the players. The coach’s job is to instill a love for the game at every level. Coaches should be enthusiastic and positive when coaching youth and high school players. When we coach with an attitude of a growth mindset, we look at how we can help our players learn from mistakes. There will always be a lesson in defeat, and we often forget to look for lessons in victory. Winning is important, but frequently, how we handle our victories and losses can emphasize the lessons we are attempting to teach our young players.
Respect is earned by caring about the players we coach. Some people consider this quote a license to yell and scream at young players. Being “tough” on a player does not mean yelling and screaming on the sideline is a permissible behavior. It is talking about accountability. A coach can expect a level of performance without that expectation becoming a negative experience.
Suppose your coach is yelling and screaming at your child from the sideline. If your coach is more concerned about winning than your child’s development, maybe it is not your child who is “uncoachable.”
How do you feel if you go to work every day and your boss yells at you constantly for the job you are trying to do? What is your attitude like? What level of performance are you going to have? That is not a positive environment for you – so why do we think that is an environment that is character-building for our child?
We should never use the phrase – “That’s life – get over it!” with our children.
Coach Winkler, author of “The Transformational Coach” and “Coaching a Season of Significance” was the 2012 United Soccer Coaches Youth Coach of the Year. He is a member of the Wisconsin Soccer Hall of Fame and United Soccer Coaches 2020 Florida High School Coach of Significance recipient.
GREGWINKLER//UNITED SOCCER COACHES HIGH SCHOOL ADVOCACY CHAIR, MEMBER SINCE 1996
The Parent/Coaching relationship has become a perceived and often real national crisis. Parental behavior on our youth, high school, and club sidelines continues to be discussed and dissected, yet it does not seem like this problem is going away. Maybe it is time to look at our own attitudes about parents within our programs. Perhaps, as coaches, we can make a more significant impact on curbing this unwanted and unnecessary behavior.
Coaches who have tremendous success throughout their careers are those who embrace that coaching is not about wins and losses but about creating and cultivating relation- ships. The relationships go far beyond just the players that move through their programs. It encompasses the relation- ships with parents, administrators, and local businesses.
I have been a coach, but I have also been a father. I coached my children and also observed their performances with teams in which I was not the coach. I have learned over time that the young men and women you coach have a family support system behind them. That support system—their parents—can help you, the coach, be more successful if you can find a way to include them.
When I bring my teams together at the start of a new season for our player/parent meeting, my parental message begins. I tell parents what I genuinely believe. It is my responsibility to make the new season memorable and significant for my players and their families. At the high school level, for my seniors, this could be the end of their athletic journey. It is imperative that we, as coaches, understand this journey ends for the parent as well.
The families of these senior athletes have been supporting them since they were toddlers. That support has often come in the form of making family sacrifices. Vacations are centered around a weekend tournament in another state, and countless hours are spent traveling to different cities for club games. These parents spent most of their disposable income on hotel rooms, fast food, and the latest sports equipment and apparel. Some have even sent their children to specialty camps and trips to other continents to pursue their dreams or passions. For 97% of these players, their athletic careers end after their senior year in high school, which means 97% of parents are left with an enormous hole in their own lives.
It is our responsibility to include the parents in our programs.
Your beliefs about sport parents
Through my coaching, I had the opportunity to coach a few players whose father was the local college coach. I had expressed interest in possibly moving away from the high school game and considered pursuing a college position. I spoke to this parent about what was needed and what I would have to do to facilitate this change. During our conversation, he stated that the best thing about college was that he did not have to deal with the parents. His opinion was similar to many coaches I have spoken to—they despised parents and preferred not to deal with them. For coaches that have this mindset, they build a wall between themselves and the parents of the children or young adults they coach. The building of that wall is where coaches are making their biggest mistakes.
The culture you create
My philosophy in dealing with parents does not mean that boundaries are not created. I have a parental support booklet that I distribute during my player/parent meeting. This support booklet is titled “Parental Support: The Key to Peak Performance.”
This booklet is the parental guidebook for our team. While I want my players’ parents to be part of the experience, there is a need for rules and parental expectations. If they are part of the team, they also have to follow guidelines to be beneficial for all of us.
The first rule I have is to “Release your child to the game and the coach—me.” When you release them to the game, all of their success is theirs; any issue is theirs. It is the parent’s responsibility to allow their child to find solutions to setbacks. I explain that we need to teach our children to advocate for themselves, so if they believe they are not playing enough, it is on the player to communicate those feelings with the coach. Playing time is not a parent problem.
This leads to another rule, the “Chain of Command.” People often think that by saying they have a chain of command, those around them understand it. I take the time to explain how a chain of command works. If your son or daughter has not spoken to me—their coach—about an issue, I will not talk to the parent about it. Players need to learn how to speak to adults and how to deal with adversity. Mommy and Daddy will not always be there to help them out. Advocating for oneself is a life skill, and I present it that way to the parents.
Another critical aspect of the chain of command is to reinforce it with your administration, athletic director, principal, and any others who may potentially receive a parent phone call. It is crucial to give them a reminder of the parent meeting you held and what your expectations are with the chain of command that you set forth. I ask that anyone receiving a call or complaint about my program ask the caller if they have spoken to the coach first. My administration has been very supportive in directing those calls back to me. The more communication I have with parents, and the better the relationships I build, the more those calls are eliminated.
What else do I include in the Parental Support document?
As high school coaches, and even youth coaches, we have a responsibility to educate parents on how to be sports parents. Communication and relationships are essential, and coaches need to be proficient in these areas. There is a need for boundaries. Many parents, new to youth and high school environments, do not know what these boundaries are. It is part of our role as coaches to give them guidelines and educate them on what is essential.
The role that the parent plays in their soccer player’s life has a tremendous impact on their experience. I heard a speaker many years ago that had five questions to give to parents.
Why do I want my child to play soccer?
What will a successful season be for me as a parent?
What are my goals for my child?
What do I hope to gain from this experience?
What do I think my child’s role on the team will be?
Parents are asked to think about those questions. Then at some point, to have a conversation with their child and ask them those questions. After listening to their child, they should compare the player’s response to their parental answer. If you do not have the same expectations, throw yours away and accept your child’s answers.
It cannot be stressed enough that the activity the child is engaging in belongs to the child. They are required to work hard, be a good teammate, and follow team expectations. The parent can be a huge support mechanism for the player, but ultimately, it is the player’s responsibility to perform.
The parental role, described in my handout, is to be their child’s #1 fan. A parent is there to support their child unconditionally. The mistakes they make are theirs and a part of learning and growth. Parents should also show support for every member of the team and the coaching staff. It is detrimental to the team and their child if they talk negatively about coaches and teammates in their child’s presence.
The handout emphasizes sleeping and eating habits, areas in which the parent does have some influence. Parents can encourage their children to keep their priorities in order. Time management is an area that all students need to develop. Athletes need to balance practice, school, possibly work, and social life. There is scientific information included in the packet about drugs, alcohol, and tobacco that shows the effects of those illegal substances on athletic performance. It provides information to parents so they can have meaningful conversations with their athletes.
And finally, parents need to keep soccer in perspective. Sometimes, your child’s performance can produce strong emotions, and parents need to learn to suppress those emotions. Screaming at officials, for example, is often embarrassing to the athlete. Parents should be models of sportsmanship and encouragement.
What do parents want?
Coaches who can empathize with parents will understand what it is a parent wants. Those coaches who have experi- enced their children playing for another coach already have that awareness. So, what are parents looking for when they sign their children up for youth sport experiences? Does that change as their young athletes enter high school? I don’t think so.
What parents want for their kids in sports:
A qualified coach
Communication
Knowledge of the “big” picture
Fair-play coaches
Organized coaches
Caring coaches
Positive role models
If you look at the list, qualification is listed as #1, but if you grasp #2—communication—everything else will fall in place. You have to share your experience, whether through a newsletter, social media, emails, or the tool of your choosing. It is essential to highlight your expertise. Coaches need to let their parents and administrators know when they attend a conference, take a coaching course, or update their first aid/CPR certifications.
Take the time to share your vision of the future, your philosophy, your goals for the team. Communicate with your players about their role with the team, playing time expectations, and improving each player’s path. Your athletes should be able to explain that role to their parents, eliminating the need for the coach to have those conversations.
Take the time to show your players you care. Listen to your players. Talk to them about their lives outside of soccer. Get to know them as young men and women. Parents can recognize when a coach cares about their athletes and not just a win/loss record. And indeed, walk your talk. Be a robust role model for behavior. People are always watching how you handle adversity, bad calls on the field, and how you treat the opposing coach. Your team will learn more from your actions than your words.
Types of parents and roles they can fill
There are many descriptors for today’s sports parents. The key is to understand what descriptor applies to each set of parents and to find opportunities for those parents to get involved. For example, we have all heard about the “Lawnmower” parent. This parent wants to plow the path for their child, so they have little resistance. This behavior keeps players from being accountable and hinders the development of life lessons. For this parent, I encourage them to take on one of our organizational tasks. They may be in charge of our fundraiser, hosting a special event, or preparing for the post-season banquet. One parent was constantly criticizing and coaching his daughter from the sideline. He also had an interest in photography. I asked him to be the team photographer. He was allowed access to pregame, and he was on the sideline during games. He was always around the team. The rule was, he could not talk to his daughter at any time during the contest.
That parent did some great work and had his purpose. It allowed his daughter to flourish on the field. I encourage parents to utilize any skills or connections they have to enhance our players’ experience. Some provide meals before or after games. Some donate money for team-build- ing adventures like paintball, mini-golf, or a kayaking trip. Others organize senior night or a holiday team meal. The more a parent feels part of the experience, the greater the reward at the end.
It takes a village
I strongly believe in the old African proverb, “It takes a vil- lage to raise a child.” I think this applies to our sports teams as well. If, as coaches, we can get parents to share the same vision we have and allow us to coach their children, everyone will enjoy the experience that much more.
Finally, show your appreciation for the contributions that parents provide for your team. Thank you notes are a nice touch after a parent does something extraordinary. Recognition at your post-season banquet to parents that go above and beyond is always appreciated. A bouquet is a nice touch. At our banquets, we present a “Beyond the Pitch” recognition plaque to a parent that provides a service that requires a more significant commitment to the team.
It is up to us, as coaches, to change the paradigm between coaches and parents. Look to make your job more enjoyable by coaching the parents as well as the players. The rewards will be worth the extra time. ■
Coach Winkler has written two books, The Transformational Coach (2020), and Coaching a Season of Significance (2017). You can get a copy of the “Parent Guide” by contacting gregwinkler10@gmail.com.
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